Bad Taste

Seeing the full page Nando’s SANRAL advert in my newspaper this morning, triggered a memory from two years ago. I was presenting a 16Days Awareness programme to my staff and we were discussing issues around respect and responsible sexual behaviour. A young married man put up his hand and said, and I quote verbatim, “But the girls make it so easy to get the sex. I just buy them chicken and they give me.”

 Laughter broke out and a chorus of fast food chicken supplier names were soon flying across the room;

 “KFC”

“Finger licking good”

“Nando’s”

“Is so good, so nice” said one fellow who stood up and actually did a pelvic thrust. Twerking as it is now known.

The reality of young girls having sex with married men in exchange for takeout chicken broke my heart into a million pieces.

 It was difficult getting that young father to understand how exploitive his actions were. Whether I managed to convince him that his actions were wrong remains unknown to me. But I tried because I believe education and prevention go hand in hand.

I wonder if Nando’s is aware that their product is used as a sexual exchange commodity in communities rife with sexual exploitation and violence. Is it their fault? Of course not. But ignorance is never an excuse. Perpetuating the belief that one is “entitled” to “go all the way” as they put it in their advert, when one buys dinner for another, is irresponsible and reckless in a country known as the rape capital of the world.

 Shame on you Nando’s! Your advert has left a bad taste in my mouth.

 

 

White Ribbons...

Awareness is more than wearing a ribbon.

 

Since the last 16 Days we have read and heard about some of the most horrific acts of violence committed against young girls in our country. Those pretty little white ribbons we all wore did Anene Booysen a whole lot of good. A few weeks before Anene died, the 16 year –old  Charmaine Mare was brutally raped, her arms and legs were cut off with a bolt cutter and her body was set alight. About 2 months after the death of Anene, 14 year-old Thandeka Madonsela was raped, disembowelled and murdered.

The level of gender-based violence in our country is a disgrace but only a fraction of the reality makes it into the press... and yet year in and year out we wear our pretty little white ribbons and hope for the best.

 

As a survivor of rape, when I was just six years old and sexual abuse between the ages of 9 and 16, I have decided it’s time to stand up and speak out. At the beginning of November I began setting my plan into motion. I have approached companies to present a free sexual abuse prevention and awareness programme to staff during the 16 Days of Awareness.

 

“No thanks, but good luck to you” was the response. “We are already involved in an awareness programme.” “What do you do?” I asked. “We buy our employees white ribbons,” was the reply.

 

I will not stop wearing my white ribbon and it warms my heart when I see others wearing their ribbon, but I will not be discouraged by the deafening silence that surrounds child sexual abuse in our country. I will continue trying to convince employees that awareness is more than just wearing a white ribbon.

 

I will not be discouraged, I will continue to speak out and try and break down the barriers of denial, shame and silence, while trying to educate society about child abuse and the effects it ultimately has on individuals, families and society as a whole.  

 

Story telling is an effective tool of persuasion to inform and change attitudes. By taking my story of survival and intertwining it with the facts about child abuse, I hope to impart enough knowledge to parents and caregivers so that they can keep children safe, or, at the very least, identify abuse at the very early stages.

 

We need adults to know the difference between “groomers” and “grabbers”. Adults also need to know the warning signs of possible sexual abuse, and they need to know the age-appropriate sexual behaviour of their children. Telling our children to be careful of strangers and not to allow anybody to touch their bodies is just not enough.

 

The statistics of child sexual abuse is scary. 60% of perpetrators are known to victims but are not family members e.g. family friends, neighbours, teachers, baby sitters etc. A further 30% of abusers are family members e.g. fathers/ stepfathers, brothers, uncles, cousins. A mere 10% of abuse perpetrators are strangers to the victim. These statistics, as well as understanding the grooming process, makes it clear why so few victims of abuse actually speak out.

 

Very few victims get help or learn how to deal with their anger, guilt, shame and hurt and we end up with generations of broken, angry, confused individuals who easily resort to violence and crime or other sorts of abuse, or they seek solace in alcohol or drug abuse.

 

If we have any hope of living in a country not known as the rape and child abuse capital of the world, then we need to start talking and listening and we need to move beyond the silence.

 

Wearing a white ribbon is no longer enough.

 

 

Raindancer

Recently circumstances have “pushed” me in the direction I felt strongly about. I am now taking the plunge to be a full time do-gooder. I want to serve others. I want to make a difference in a field I feel passionate about.

The trouble is it’s an area or topic nobody wants to talk about. I’m sure if I decided to fight for the rights of animal abuse I would have a whole lot of support... but child sexual abuse makes people cringe...  It makes them go into ostrich mode. If we don’t think about it or talk about it, it might just go away right? Not so.

The aftermath and fallout of a child having endured sexual abuse or any other kind of abuse will ultimately affect us all because it’s not just about sex... Have you ever wondered why there are so many people who are angry, nasty, promiscuous, bitter, and violent and who abuse alcohol and drugs? Go back to their childhood and you will discover why. Many a times they themselves may not have been abused, but they have a parent that was... and who never had the opportunity to “work through” their issues... and the vicious cycle continues.

Children and adults who have been sexually abused very seldom speak out about abuse. And the reasons are obvious. Most people are abused by people they know and trust. Studies on reported abuse cases show that:

• An estimated 60% of perpetrators of sexual abuse are known to the child but are not family members, e.g., family friends, babysitters, childcare providers, neighbours.
• About 30% of perpetrators are family members, e.g., fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins.
• Just 10% of perpetrators are strangers to the child.

Sadly here in South Africa just a fraction of that 10% is reported in the media and for the most part the other is kept hush-hush for fear of a family scandal or because the adults don’t want to offend their neighbours or acquaintances. Adults always seem to choose self preservation above the wellbeing of children. Just look at the way some schools treat reports of teachers sexually abusing their learners. The reputation of the schools is much more important.

And the silence continues...

Silence however only serves to perpetuate the abuse. It is time we move “Beyond the Silence”...

Stories have always been a very effective tool of persuasion. They have been used to convey messages and influence behaviours since before the written word and I believe strongly that survivors should be telling their stories and offering hope to those who find themselves in seemingly hopeless situations.

 

I thread telling my story and my fight to move from victim to survivor to thriver with the facts about child abuse so that the audience are given the knowledge that can help them prevent the abuse of our children.

 

I have spent the past couple of years putting together a workshop and fact sheets and have presented this to groups of people. My aim however is to now do this fulltime. But if I want to make a difference at all I will need schools to buy into this and get the teachers and parents to attend. I need employers to get me to address their workers during working hours. I need NGO's working in the area of child services to see the benefits of joining me in a partnership and I need YOUR support please.

 

 My wish list:

·         Printing of fact sheets, brochures and business cards and stationary

·         A banner

·         Names and contacts of people I can approach about hosting a talk or workshop

 

Beyond the Silence

When women get together something special happens.

They share, they laugh, they learn, they grow.

They share their triumphs and their joys.

They laugh about their mistakes.

They celebrate the lessons learned.

Beyond the Silence

High Tea

with

Deborah Ho-Chung

WHAT:

Beyond the Silence - High Tea is a gathering of women having a tea-party while Deborah shares her personal story intertwined with the facts about child sexual abuse. In sharing her story Deborah hopes to help break down the barriers of denial, shame and silence that surrounds child abuse while facilitating dialogue that offers hope, educates and creates an awareness about how devastating child abuse can be. As parents it is our duty to learn how to protect our children.

WHERE:

TAG Hall,  Westlea Bowling Green,  Crn Fuel Rd and Hay Ave,  Coronationville

WHEN:

Saturday, 18th August 2012 at 14h30

COST:

Donations are welcome to help cover the costs.

BOOK NOW:

Seats are limited. Booking is essential.

Please email -  info@deborah.co.za to make sure you are on our guest list.

For more info please contact Deborah.

Pass it On

Please share this email with anyone who might benefit from it.

Change

I love watching nature go about its thing.

The seasons seem to change so effortlessly.
Nothing resists the order of things.
A few weeks ago I took this picture of these beautiful leaves.
I had been watching them change colour and fall off for a while.
I knew if I did not take a picture soon I would miss out.
When I looked out of the window early this morning I saw that the tree was completely bare and I felt the icy cold of winter reach within my bones.
And yet I am reassured because I know my garden will sprout green leaves again and I look forward to it while enduring this cold and appreciating the beauty of my drab looking trees.

Things are so different in our lives though.

We don’t like change.
We worry about what we might lose.
We’ve all experienced a time in our lives when things were not going as planned.

But when we look back on our lives objectively we realise that things worked out even though it might not be exactly as we planned it.

Seeing our lives in this way may help us understand that being attached to what we believe to be secure or what we need can in fact limit us instead of opening us up to new possibilities. Sometimes holding on to something prevents us from enjoying everything we have been given.

And I live with the knowledge that what I so desire will come to being when I am ready to receive it. Just as I know for sure that bare tree will have green leaves again.

Winter Wonderings

Nature has a way of forcing us to toe the line.

Autumn is here and winter is fast approaching and I find myself
spending more time indoors curled up and covered up.


This usually leads me to becoming introspective.
It also gets me thinking about ways I can change my life and put my dreams into being.
And I find this exciting.
Autumn here in South Africa also happens to coincide with Easter.
A time of rebirth.
A time of second chances.


But then fear grabs a hold of me.
Self doubt steps in.
And the voice of my inner critic becomes louder.


And inevitably I end up hibernating the winter away.
Wasting time...
Or is it?


Maybe it’s a time for me to stop doing so much
A time for taking stock
A time to start focusing my limited energies on one thing at a time


What I do know is that I need to be my number one supporter.
I need to believe in myself.
Accept myself and ignore the voice of my inner critic.
I also need to understand that my mistakes have been opportunities for me to learn and grow.
And growing is life...

I'm finished... and running out of time...

I’m so finished with the intolerance I encounter in my country...
I’m finished with us failing to listen to each other...
Let’s stop being defensive and sensitive about the actions of our previous government.
Let’s face it... we were born into a society that believed white skins were superior to black skins...
We had no choice in the matter and some of us benefited from that whether we bought into that ideology or not.
Let’s acknowledge that the shit happened and let’s listen to the stories being told...
But let us not flash that race card indiscriminately when we should in fact be discussing our prejudice and ignorance about each other’s cultures.
I’m so finished with us fleeing “racist” Cape Town instead of facing and challenging the racism head on.
Why wait until a twitter spat erupts to tell of our traumatic experiences?
Have we learnt nothing from the men and women who stood their ground and fought gallantly for our democratic freedom?

I’m so finished with us taking the easy way out that the cyber world offers us when it comes to our relationships.
I’m finished with being defriended on facebook and blocked on twitter because you feel uncomfortable about something I said.
I see way too many of us doing the exact same thing in relationships... a click on our keyboard is much easier than working at a relationship.
Relationships build communities... communities build a nation.
But with relationships come vulnerability... people get to see our imperfections.
And that scares us.
So we block and defriend people instead of taking the opportunity to embrace our vulnerabilities and grow.
In so doing we miss out on being able to truly engage in our lives, our relationships, our communities and our country from a place of authenticity and a feeling of worthiness.
Without a strong sense of worthiness we are unable to connect and experience a sense of belonging and this has a knock-on effect in all facets of our lives.
I’m finished with us feeling that we are not worthy of love, belonging and joy.

I’m so finished with the taboo that surrounds speaking up against woman and child abuse.
I’m finished with the deafening silence from all the good men in our country who said very little about those 56 272 women who reported being raped in our country last year.
And I’m even more finished with the fact that we have the highest reported cases of rape per capita in the whole wide world.
I’m finished with the publisher who told me that they cannot publish my book because they do not want to become known as the publisher who publishes books about abuse.
And even more...
I’m finished with myself for buying into the taboo and actually waiting for the 16 Days of Activism to roll around so that I can bang on my drum about the abuse that women and children endure in my country.

I’m so finished with being finished in 2012...

We need to slow down in order to keep up

Most of us tend to rush through our days at break-neck speed. We try and cram into our day as much as we can. Doing a lot makes us feel good. And then we find ourselves at the end of the year... looking back and wondering... was it worth it?

I have resolved to slow down this year. To make it about the quality of my life and not the quantity I manage to cram into each day.

And yes... I'm excited about 2012. I even found myself saying that I cannot wait for 2012 to be over so that I can sit back and be proud of myself and thank everybody who helped me reach my goals. But I also want to savour 2012... it's gonna be a good year... and like all good things I want it to linger. I want to take it all in... I want to savour each magic moment.

But old habits die hard... and I will have to relearn stuff I was taught by one of my "teachers" who helped me along this healing journey of mine. She taught me to start my day off with a clear mind.

I find that my mental chatter keeps me distanced from my inner awareness... All that chatter leaves me feeling confused and disorientated. By taking just a few minutes at the beginning of my day to turn within and let go of scattered thoughts... I immediately begin to feel more alert with a stronger sense of awareness of the possibilities and opportunities that present themselves for me to be all I am meant to be during my day.

And so.... on this first day of work in 2012... I hope you too can slow down and enjoy all you are meant to in this life we share.

It has been a while.

I have been inspired to start blogging again.
I will be back soon...
I promise!

Baby Steps...

I have long learnt that I have to do something first
before I can receive
and that often means putting myself on the line
"Doing" is risky business...
We have to step out in faith...
We have to act on our belief...

I write everything down
But I have found that a written plan is worthless
unless I act upon it
It is only when I take action that I see and experience results...

All we need to do is take that first baby step...

A New Day...

Very often I find myself holding on very tightly
to what I have and I probably miss out on
some great opportunities for growth...

I find evidence of this in so many areas of my life
I hold onto a bad habit knowing full well that it is bad for me
I experience the negative effects
but I continue doing nothing about it

Sometimes I will make a half hearted attempt to change or to stop...
but I never really put my all into tackling the situation
In theory I know all the answers
I know exactly what steps I should take
But somehow I just never get it right...

There is however hope for me
because today is a new day
and I still have breath in me
and another day to try once more...

Love Thyself...

Leo Tolstoy said - "If one has no vanity in this life of ours
there is no sufficient reason for living"
And at first glance that quote does not make sense
But think of it this way...
In order to love those around us we first need to love ourselves!
Giving ourselves unconditional love makes it easier
to extend compassion to those around us
In fact... we should be "vain" in our self love as Tolstoy suggests

And then... and only then will we be more accepting of others
and even find it easier to be more tolerant of them

Because lets face it...
sometimes it is so hard loving those who hurt us...
And people who love themselves are less inclined to be
hurtful to others around them...

Dreams are good Friends...

As I have said before - our desires and dreams act as fuel
They thrust us toward new horizons
Without having something to strive for
we get stuck in ruts because we are
unsure of what to do next...

Goals are the dreams that we are willing to work for
When we set goals and write them down
we take responsibility for our lives
Even if we only take small steps
we are actively pursuing our goals
just daydreaming about them will get us nowhere
and having goals that we have written down
make us feel good because it adds a sense of purpose
and direction to our lives...

Putting Pen to Paper...

I have plans
in fact.... I'm always planning and scheming
But I have found when I think about my plans
without sitting down to put pen to paper
the ideas just seem to float around in my head
and nothing happens...

Being clear about my objectives help me stay focused
I find that I have to set aside time to create a clear plan
and assess all my options

It’s good to write things down so you don’t overlook anything
And once the list is complete
I take time to consider the possibilities
and drawbacks of each choice so that I can determine
where I should focus my attention

Look before you leap.... we are always told
Having a clear idea of what we want in life...
considering all the possibilities open to us...
and then making a decision
can make a big difference in our efforts

When Opportunity Knocks...

Yesterday I read a blog where a young lady
expressed her frustration about not getting the break she needs
"What do I do to let people notice my potential" she said

I fully understand her frustration
but we are co-creators of our destiny I believe
and I believe that our job is to be prepared when opportunity knocks
We need to be at the right place
at the right time
with the right equipment
if we want to make things happen for us

And not every opportunity is our opportunity either...
But we cannot sit back and hope something will drop into our lap...
Also... we never know who we are going to meet next
The very next person we talk to could be
our ticket to an exciting future
Will you be ready for your opportunity?

Someone once said...
“It’s better to be prepared for an opportunity
and not have one, than to have an opportunity
and not be prepared.”

We all need to be ready when our opportunity knocks...

One Step at a Time...

It is only when we are willing to listen to our self
and be fearless
that figuring out our next step becomes easy...

Underneath the fear, hesitation and uncertainty
lies our inner knowing that always knows
which step we need to take next...

Our lives are made up of a network of pathways
that we can choose to move from one phase of our lives to the next...
Some of us have smooth clearly marked paths
While others have more difficulty in seeing their way clearly

But ultimately we always know whats right for us
only we know which path to choose
but we need to tune into our inner voice
Our inner council...
And THAT...
is the difficult part

We need to make time for ourselves
we need to be still and tune in to our inner council
our little voice
our dreams
our passions
because those are the things that light up the way of our paths in life...

Wise Words...

“A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes

smart enough to profit from them

and strong enough to correct them”

- Anonymous

Gratitude...

One of the things in life I have lots of difficulty with
as a result from my childhood sexual abuse is TRUST...
and I find that I often second guess peoples motive
when they do something for me...

"What do they want from me" is always my first reaction
I have to consciously take a step back from those thoughts and
remind myself that I no longer need to "protect"
myself from people... and that those close and dear to me
offer support that is given with complete love
without expecting anything in return
They help me for no other reason
simply because of the intensity of their caring

And I have found that
giving words of thanks in a heartfelt manner
is one of the best ways to return their kindness
I have to connect with the energy of my heart
when I convey my gratitude
and I have to accept in the same way
in which I have received the gifts
—without expecting anything in return

Saying thanks from my heart is the only way I am able to
let my loved ones know the true depth of my appreciation

And there is so much I need to be grateful for in my life...

Positive Reactions...

We cannot control what other people do
but it is very important to recognize that we
have control over our reactions to situations

When we hold onto the actions of others
we are reacting in a way that is neither positive nor healthy

When we have control over ourselves
there is no way others can control us
and by learning how to react to others in a positive way
we will feel a greater sense of self-empowerment...

Our Actions Speak Louder...

Why is it that sometimes when someone wants something
their actions seem to tell a different story?
It's like when someone wants better health
but they end up working too hard and not having time for gym...

Someone else might want a loving relationship
but instead they spends most evenings watching television...
Another person may want their own business
but they end up staying in a job that's safe....

Unconscious motivations drive behavior
It's not that they are not motivated –
it's just that their motivation is pushing them in a different direction

So how do we fix that?

We have to become aware of those unconscious motivations
and of what's really driving our life
Then we have to rid ourselves of old limiting beliefs
that are keeping us from our true desires

Only when we are in that new space of clarity and freedom
are we able to allow new possibilities to emerge in our lives